Ah the Gun Show. With the advent of the internet it’s different now, with big sales requiring clicking a button and anxiously waiting for the UPS man. Back in the stone ages, when phones were rotary and rifled muskets were a new-fangled thing not yet proven, if you wanted to buy a thousand rounds of 9mm at a great price it meant heading to your semi-annual gun show. As you fought the sea of people you could come across amazing deals like my great-uncle did who bought a near mint 28ga Browning Citori for only $200 in the late 80s. You’d also come across several kinds of people at gun shows and the amazing thing is all these years later, despite the advances in science and technology, they’re still there!
The Knife Vendor
I never understood who would bring a knife to a gunfight, but The Knife Vendor knows his target audience is ripe for the plucking. The more outlandish and sci-fi inspired the knife, with blades poking in every direction at unusual angles, the more he charges. He also has an assortment of folding butter knives masquerading as actual cutting implements because no red-blooded American male can say no to a $5 knife that has the stars and stripes on the outside.
Portly and sporting a fur ushanka hat no matter the weather, he waddles from booth to booth inspecting every Mosin Nagant hoping to find a rare variant. If anyone is foolish enough to ask what he’s looking for, they should be prepared. This will launch him into a 2 hour diatribe about production years, factories, Finnish recaptures, American supplied rifles, and how without this rifle you’d be speaking German right now. He is easily heard at a distance wailing loudly if he finds a Mosin in anything but war era condition.
Easily identified by the fact his face was altered through plastic surgery to be perfectly square, Glock FanBoy is the most depressing character at the gun show. His gun functions perfectly, is affordable, and has nothing wrong with it which means he has to start looking for reasons to buy upgrades that have no actual purpose. Punisher skull plates, colored mag wells, or D.I.Y. paisley stipple patterns: he’s desperate for anything to bring him out of his reliable Austrian boredom.
Swaggering like a man who rode a horse for too long to arrive at the gun show, the Nighthawk is denoted by the relative lack of vocabulary for someone who is probably a software engineer or bank executive. “John Moses Browning. Custom. Wilson Combat. Les Baer. Ed Brown. Hand Fitted. Target. Precision. Bespoke” are repeated like some kind of mantra as they are disappointed by the fact none of the things they’re looking for are at the show.
Much like the Nighthawk character, the Kimber says the same words except with “just as good as” before the company’s name as they buy after market components to install in their Rock Island Armory frame.
The Kreighoff Owner is not present at the gun show and instead sent his personal valet to pick up several boxes of discounted 28ga shotgun shells for him by the pallet.
What other characters have you met at a gun show?